Here Comes 2010

Christmas is over and in a weeks time we will all bid goodbye to 2009. Time sure flies fast. And before writing this blog, I went over to the various list of things that I said I will be doing with certain people.

You see, I love list. I write down almost everything. I write down the things I'd like to have, the things I'd like to do, the places I'd like to go, the plans I'd like to accomplish.

I aced the plans-to-accomplish category...I did it all. But my other list are just half way done. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I'm partly disappointed with myself because I always postponed my planned activity to give way to certain things. I'm sure am learning responsibility. Not that I'm complaining but I realize that I'm depriving myself.

So for 2010, I'd like to focus on myself. I think it's not a crime to be selfish even just for a bit. I've been too selfless this year therefore I'm declaring that 2010 will be a 'spoil-me' year. No one really knows how to pamper me and besides it's nobody's job so I have to get my cute butt going. No more slacking, no time for rest, time to hit off the road and see what there is to see =)

24th Year

Today, December 21 is my parent's 24th wedding anniversary. It is a feat that not so many couples today achieve. In a society where broken homes slowly becoming a norm, I am truly blessed to have mine complete up to this day.

This year has been a tough for us but as I was telling my mom and my sister on different occasions when I had a chance to talk to them..next year will be better. I'll make 2010 better for them. It's just do or do not, try is not option.

Happy Anniversary Ma, Pa! =)

Another Year

Before this year started, I pick out two guiding words- change and slow. I told myself that I need to take things slow when it comes to my career and personal goals. Don't get me wrong, I haven't lose my drive, it's still there but as my parents would have it, I'm too driven that I fail to enjoy the little things. At 22, I could say I have accomplished enough.

Looking back now, I think they are right. I'm not one of those individual who constantly worry about my future. I know some people fear about this. I have always known what direction to take. Future is something I look with enthusiasm. I never feared its countless possibilities. But I look at it as the be-all and end-all. I looked past certain things... things that should really matter.

So, 2009 was a break time for me. Time-out year so to speak. I did not change job though several opportunities and offers landed my way. I did not went back to school (post graduate) which was I originally planned. What I did instead, was took my sweet time enjoying my family, my friends, my special someone and myself.

I rediscover myself and was amazed of my many quirks. I redefined my goals. Goals that are sustainable and the ones that makes me genuinely happy and complete.

Change.

This was a trying year for me. But I'm thankful that all those events happened. I may have gotten bruised but I learned. I shed tears, wipe them out and laugh some more. I had my share of heartaches and disappointments but great things took place. I have gotten new perspective, renewed confidence and more driven that I can ever be. I had shed of some old, bad, dull habits of mine. As this year slowly coming to an end, I can say that a bolder and better me will face the many new beginnings awaiting in the year ahead.

My Next Destination Getaway

As treat to myself for a year of hard work, I will go here for my next getaway. I've delayed my gratification way too long already and so, this is a must do for me before the year ends. Is there anyone who would like to come with me? hehe. No prior notice will be made, so just get your stuff ready guys. The best adventure are the ones made spontaneously.

One of Those Days

There are days when you want things go right and that's when everything seems to go wrong. And today is one of those days. I have several concerns on my mind and was hoping that this day will go smoothly. But what can I do, the joke is on me. Sigh. Sometimes it's just annoying to be preoccupied by concerns that are not yours to begin with but for some reason they're able to find ways to drag you in it (I don't know if that actually make sense). My life is more often than not stress-free and I wish it stays that way.

Oh well, I find comfort in the knowledge that this is life and I have to bear with its occasional inconveniences. As others would have it, it's all part of growing up. It's either you suck it up and moved on or get stuck. It's no brainer, there's no way I'm choosing the latter.

You Are....

A friend that relentlessly listens

My laughing bud

My hopeless romantic lover

The strength that keeps me going

The sunshine of my gloomy days

The warmth of my cold nights

My teacher in so many ways

My confidant

My soulmate

The other piece of the puzzle that is 'US'

Because You Know It All

I have learn a long time ago that this life will never be enough for me to fully fathom the complexities and mysteries of this world. I am but only a student who is trying to learn and get as much as I can. This very acceptance that I'm nothing to this vastness has kept me grounded and for sure will continue to kept me grounded in the years to come as life continue to throw me into many curves and turns.

Every time we talk, I can't help but smile in a subtle manner. You always sound so certain but what strikes me with every conversation we have is that your life is certainly not what you depicted it to be. You are alone and unhappy and is trying so hard to cover it up. I sometimes wonder if you have ever acknowledge the fact that you, just like everyone else is also vulnerable and weak? Perhaps not, because as you always portray it to be, you know it all, you are always the best and you are always on top of others.

Until such a time that you learn how to genuinely care, understand and be happy for others, I don't think you will find that elusive happiness you are looking for. I can be wrong in a some of the things I have observed about you but truth is, you can't hide from the fact that you are miserable...it just shows.

You Belong With Me

Words are not enough to describe the many beautiful things you are making me feel. I just feel to blessed to be with someone who understands and loves me without condition.

You adore and love the family I love so much just like they are yours. You spoil my sister just like she is your younger sister. You kid around with my best friend as if you have known her for so many years.

You sit there and listen intently as my co-worker talks in a language you barely understands. You made the effort to know the people in my life. You tried to explore the kind of life I was living here.

Sweetie, thank you for accepting me wholeheartedly. With you I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. I just have to be me, cared and loved with all my quirks.

Yes, you and I belong with each other. Now more than ever I can say that without doubt or fear. You belong with me and I to you =) I love you Sweetie!

You Are My Everything

My heart did all sorts of flips the moment I saw you in the airport. For a moment, I seriously thought I'm going to faint because my heart was just beating so fast.

It doesn't seem that this is the first time I saw you. It seems to me that I have seen and hold you countless of times already. Being in your arms, I just feel so complete. It's a feeling I cannot describe. The best feeling there is.

When you look into my eyes, I've overwhelmed of how much love we have for each other. You are the most loving, funny, and understanding guy there is and I'm not saying it only to compliment you but because I get to experience it (hehe).

I apologized that you didn't get to see much of my city but then again, you where able to get the total "Jane experience" which according to you includes lots of sleeping, watching basketball and music video.

Sweetie, I love you so much.. I can't wait to be back in your arms soon.

It's Been A While

I've been preoccupied by adult concerns lately, I'm referring to the kind of stuff that consumed most of the time of the real adults (if you don't know what I'm referring to ask your parents, for sure they know a thing or two as to what I'm talking about).

To start off, the very small business of my father is hardly surviving. Gone are the days when business is so good that it was able to pay the house bills, pay the private institutions where we are educated and provide us with our wants. Not only is it barely surviving but it has turn into a charitable institution! (imagine me all red with fury after learning this from my parents). I won't waste my time typing the details of such event rather, I'll pause and ask that their souls be blessed for taking advantage of the goodness of my parents.

Well as Anton would have it, no good deed goes unpunished.

Random Observation

I don't know if its lack of attention, lack of recognition, lack of self-esteem that pushes her to do the things she does. I know she is not aware of her odd habits and actions but instead of being annoyed, half the time I find it rather amusing.

She hovers the conversation but when it comes to real stuff, she always ask questions. She talks like she knows it all which makes it hard for others to say their piece on the matter but she is the first one yet again to ask.

And I don't know why she always raised her voice in stressing a point nor she always sounds angry when talking. If she talks, that is usually the time when I shut my mouth and listen and observe and simply smile.

Blabber

Breakfast was great. It's nice to be surrounded with people especially when you are feeling a bit off. Catching up with friends is always nice. Makes you feel you're no stranger in their life.

Laugh. Nice to hear them, music in my ear. Nice to be consumed by the sound of it, for a minute you forget all your inadequacies and just be genuinely happy for the happiness they feel.

Room. Makes me feel secure. How I wish I can just sleep it all off. But why can't I? Talking? Don't feel like talking. Tired of talking about the same worries. So redundant. I hate being redundant, I hate repeating myself. I just want to sit, do nothing, think of nothing.

Self. I miss my old self. I like the new Jane don't get me wrong. But I'm being so sensitive. I'm too emotional. I'm making myself too vulnerable. Not right. I have to practice moderation. Excess of something is always hazardous to oneself.

Pictures. I should stay away from them. Makes me sad. Makes me jealous. Why can they and I can't? Breaks my heart to pieces. Will I ever? For sure I will, the big question is...when? Sigh.

Surprise. Whoever is leaving little presents on my desk, thank you. Are my co-workers playing tricks on me? They all said no. Oh well, I love presents so I'll take them. Don't tell me who you are, let's keep your identity a secret. Only a few people knows how to surprise me, in fact, only a few people ever surprise me. Other than this, it's been a while since someone surprise me - not even my friends, hmmmm. Calling out to my friends...Girls, I want to be surprised, hehe.

Sweets. Chocolates. What a great company they are. They never fail to make me happy. Emotional eater? Yes and so? Everyone is entitled to pig-out once in a while. I'm justifying my actions...I know that but let me be.

Work. I have to work now because I'm paid to work and not to blog, hehe. One of the privileges of being tenured is you get to goof around. Am I abusing it? Could be, hehe. But then again, I never fail to reach my quota. What can I do, I work smart.

Idle chatter. Yes, this is me chattering with my own self. Puzzled? Me too.

"BER" Months

In an hour or so, the "ber" months are once again here. I don't know what the last four months of this year has in stored for me; it's giving me a mix feeling. Part of me is anticipating, part of me is scared. I'm partly hopeful, partly doubtful. I'm optimistic but I'm also realistic (given the events of the past, I can't just help it). Will the remaining months of the year be a blessing or what? I'm standing in the middle and I don't know what it's going to be. A big part of me is screaming... let's get this done and over with.

So please, let's get this done and over with.

Lovesick

I can't aptly put in words my feelings last Sunday night. I don't know if I was sleeping too much the day before (but then I can't seem to get enough sleep) that the only thing I can do is tossed and turn on the bed that my sister and I is sharing.

I was having one of those nights. I was missing him terribly. It's a longing I can't named. A longing that makes breathing hard and all there is left to do is cry. So cry I did. I cried myself to sleep and woke up with the most beautiful voice there is, his voice (all tired and exhausted from doing the lawn work). The voice that gives me all sorts of beautiful feeling.

How can I miss him so much when I have only not talk to him for a couple of hours? I don't know. I myself is often amazed of how much. I missed him enough that it can bring tears to my eyes. I loved him so much that it can bring tears to my eyes. How on earth can I stop this tears from falling? Tsk tsk tsk, I'm so lovesick.

Opinion - Passivity

It's nothing but normal for people to have an opinion of you. It's inevitable. It's human nature. Once you open your mouth, once you act in a certain way and react in a certain manner; people will always say something whether elicit or illicit. Therefore, it's imperative that we keep an open mind. Know when and when not to listen. Know how to filter out information because most of the time, one-third of the story is already an add-on to the original one. Know how to confirm an information. And most importantly, be receptive whether it is good or not.

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I don't know what's with confrontation that people hate it so much. Is it because according to Jean Jacques- Rousseau we are innately good? Hence, we rather shut up our mouth and be passive in hope that issues will be resolved on its own. I have nothing against passive people, I reckon they are the peacemaker of this world.

But when passivity affects certain aspects of a person's life such as work and personal relationship, I see no good in that. I hope my colleagues will learn how to assert themselves once in a while, there's no harm in that. Passivity is not always the answer, it rarely is.

Little Things

A former colleague from work and I had a talk last night. He asked me if I can go out from work and spend some time with him, I said yes. Turns out he and his girlfriend just broke up. After telling me the preliminaries, I then asked him proverbial question of why and why not.

As I was listening to the reasons that he gave to me and the "she said" version of the story, I can't help but point out that it's always the little things. It's the little things taken for granted by the other person that often accumulates and then after some time, things blow up. It's the simple issue that are put aside in hope that the other person will just drop it instead of sitting down and discussing it. It's as simple as not being able to compromise to give way to the other person.

Quite ironical isn't it? These simple things could have been easily avoided and resolved but why is it so hard sometimes. Why is it easier to simply shut up even if there's something wrong? Why is it hard to lay down certain terms and just be honest with what you want? Why is it so hard to give five minutes and call that person? Why? I don't know.

But as a cliche would have it - If there's a will, there's a way. So true. The relationship ended because the couple involved simply give up to work it out. I guess it was inevitable. Some good things has just to end. Sad. But in his case, a heartbreak can be solved by a hearty meal. What a jerk. Peace out =)

Beware, Beware

Beware of a person who acts like your friend but then back bites you after. Beware of a person who is only after of what she can get from you and after getting it will gossip you around. Beware of a two-face person.

I don't know how it started or what was the root of all this issue. I don't know how it came about. What I know is that one day, one agent approach me and told me something and I give him a questioning look.

I have no prior knowledge of this certain incident among with the many others that had occurred but what I do know now is that, the rumor that has reached me is not just a rumor after all, it's true. When I ask the person involved if such 'walk out scene' happened, she said it did and I can only ask her why the rest of the team did not know this. A peace keeper that she is, she chose to let it pass hoping that such won't happen again. But sadly, that has not been the case in the two weeks or so.

I just cited one concern out of the many that I have been hearing and confirming. But somehow this is enough to tell me that she is not the person I thought she were after almost two years of working with each other. I wonder what the team did to her. She was all good to us all this time and now that she left the department, she just changed drastically.

Well here is my piece of advice to you. Power tripping is fun but wait till it gets back at you. You've turned into this airhead woman when in fact, you have not proven anything. You position right now doesn't give you any right to gossip the department where you came from. The same department that sharpen what little thing you have before and now you are bragging as if you are that good. Practice some humility will you? You are not higher nor are we lower than you...it's a lateral transfer, do you know what that means? LATERAL. Meaning, you and the rest of the team is just the same.

Don't think so highly of yourself, kindly tone it down for the time being. And even if one day you will be that accomplished, kindly practice some good manners. Going around and telling people gossips will not get you far, soon it will even catch up on you.

Hard To Live Without

A sudden realization struck me after I lost my internet connection at work. I can't live without my messenger. Take all the tools that I need, increase my quota I don't care just don't take away my messenger. Ahhh. All of a sudden I got anxious and was fretting. Good thing my YM works, I rarely used it but still - it was better than having nothing at all.

I take a certain comfort in the knowledge that even if Anton is far away he wouldn't be so unreachable if I see him online. That I can always talk to him if something comes up but without it, I feel so helpless.

I hate the fact that I'm getting too dependent on this technology. I hate the fact that I need it so much. But truth is, my days will be so awful if the system will be down. So please IT, no more system issue please....

You Have To

How do you let go of something you really want?

By far, it is one of the most difficult question I have to answer. It's always a constant battle of heart and mind. Our hearts will tell us to hold on and our logical mind will tell us to stop and move on. Where do we draw the line? It's very hard to tell. But if there's one thing that I want you to think right now, I want you to think of yourself.

I have been an audience of this love story for quite sometime now, I say anything to you unless you asked for my opinion but perhaps now is the time for me to speak up. You have been there for him and have been so understanding every time. Now more than ever I want you to be there for yourself. I want you to think of yourself and do yourself a favor. You deserve so much better and I don't think I can entrust you to that guy forever.

How can I entrust you to him when he acts so foolishly and expects you to just forgive him all the time? How can I entrust you to him when he is so insensitive of your feelings? How can I entrust you to him when he hurt you and show no remorse after? How can you entrust yourself to someone who only loves his self?

How do you let go of something you really want then? Because you have to. Because if you don't, you will be more miserable. Because you shed more tear more than you laugh. Because if you don't, you will lose yourself. Because you're the only one who wants this and he is not willing to do his share of the bargain. Because you are becoming someone you don't want to be.I think that's enough reason.

I know how much you love him and I know how painful it is (it's breaking our hearts too) but I think this is for the best. If only I can ease your pain even just momentarily I would. But we know that's not possible nevertheless, rest assured that I'm here anytime you need me.

PS: Just when you thought that the pain is so unbearable and you can't do it anymore, trust me, you'll find it deep within you the strength you never know you have before. Never underestimate yourself. Cry a bucket if you must. It's okay not be okay, it's okay to wallow, it's okay to get mad at some point, it's okay to reconsider getting back at him but all will be well in time. Just hang in there. This decision has been tough (we know) and I think it's really for the best.

And my house is always open if you need a change of environment and if you need anything, I'm just here. Love you!

Hush Hush

I'm making the most out of my time, I can't avoid the inevitable (and I'm not avoiding it) in fact, I'm embracing what lies ahead of me with open arms. I have no hesitation or whatsoever with what the future has in store for me, all I'm certain is that, I want to spend my entire life with him.

My bucket list includes the following and I have to do them before the year ends:

• Partying a lot with my best friends and girl friends
• Pampering my parents and my sister
• Do spontaneous fun things
  

I was able to do one of them already but partying is not over yet, more to come. Here are some pics:

Happy Birthday Gabby!

Jhian Gabrielle who we fondly call Gabby turns 1 year old last August 8 and as always, she was simply adorable on her birthday. She's as pretty as her mom and her Ninang, hehe.

Sleepover

I'm back to work later tonight, sigh. Work again? I wish I had another day to just stay home and stay in bed and watch tv and simply do nothing. What can I do, it's raining hard - it's the perfect time to just sleep and sleep and sleep.

Weekend has been great. Louie, Aira, Lovelyn, Sedneth and Lyka spent the night in my place. Lyka will be staying in Bacolod for a couple of days and it was great as always to see her. We spend the night just talking and eating and laughing, there was nothing much we can do since the power was out due to bad weather. It is one of those simple things you do with great friends (sleepover) yet it is so much fun.

With all of us working, it's kinda hard to set a schedule where everyone is free to met up. But then again, I guess someone has just to take responsibility in setting up our meeting and Louie, being the only guy in the group was appointed to do such. See yah soon guys, hopefully next weekend =).

Simple Things

Who wants to listen to some mushy song? I actually don't know if I have previously posted this one, so I did a quick run down of my previous posts and I think I haven't... so here it is. It's entitled Simple Things by Jim Brickman (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8S14R88xoik)

Hey, time won't wait
Life goes by
Every day's a brand new sky
Every tear comes to dry
All that really matters in this crazy world
Is you and I together, baby just remember...

The first leaves of the tree,
The way you look at me,
A thousand chiming church bells ring
The simple things are free
The sun, the moon, the stars,
The beating of two hearts
How I love the simple things,
The simple things just are

So here we go
Let's just dance
Teach my soul to take this chance
Put my heart in your hands
Out of all the moments that we leave behind
Turn around and tell me baby we'll remember...

The thunder and the rain,
The way you say my name
After all the clouds go by the simple things remain
The sun, the moon, the stars,
The beating of two hearts
How I love the simple things,
The simple things just are

Oh, The ocean and the sky
The way we feel tonight
I know that it's the love that brings the simple things to light
The sun, the moon, the stars,
The beating of two hearts
I love the way the simple things,
The simple things just are

Sweetie, it is the simple things that you do that knocks me off my feet. It is in the simplest conversation that I get to know you really really well. It is in the simplest reply, reaction that I get from you that gives me a glimpse of the individual that you are. It is the simple "HI" that paves the way to where we are now. Love you!

The Bigger Flirts: Men

There is this show in AXN entitled "Duke" which talks anything and everything related to men. It shows their vanities, their quirks, their hobbies, their motivations, and anything under the sun that involves their interest and what not.

I have watched an episode way back about flirting. They asked in random the public whose the bigger flirt, men or women and guess what - men appears to be the bigger flirt. Of course they did it for fun, they pick the respondents randomly hence we cannot say it's a good sample of what the public view really is nor is it accurate (I could have easily convinced the girls back in college to do a study on this for our experimental psychology thesis, bummer, it's too late now - that way there is at least some data I can use to prove or disprove such claim).

Back to the topic at hand, I can't help but agree on the premise that men are bigger flirts than women. When women flirts they tend to be showy and upfront (but there are those that have mastered the game and you can hardly tell if they are flirting or not). But when men flirt, it's hard to tell because it comes naturally with them.

The simple tossing of hair, the laughing out loud just to get a guys attention, the eye contact... it's easy to tell even from a distance if a lady is flirting or not. Guys on the other hand are very discreet. The cheesy pick up line (that girls go gaga at times), even the not so cheesy ones, its flirting 101 ladies. We associate them as a "normal" thing a guy does when in fact they are already flirting right there and then, in short flirting is more often than not, innate with them.

Women get to be labelled as 'flirt' or 'tease' with the mere act of tossing the hair but men can get away with it just by simply saying "it's normal" for them to used such cheesy (eww) pick up lines. Unfair! But then again, life will never be fair.

Flirting is one of those inane things that spice up our life...so girls let's flirt some more , wink =)

Patience - My New Virtue

Anyone who knows me will surely say that this is not my strongest trait. I am an impatient lady, even impulsive to some extent. I hate sitting around like waiting for some miracle that someone will just serve the thing that I want on a platter. I act on it and get it for myself.

But the events of this month proved me wrong...so wrong. Just when I thought and I have convinced myself that this is too much and this is the end of it, I have surprisingly find it within me to hold on, to understand, to forgive and love some more.

Patience is the new virtue that I am learning and though I'm learning it the hard way, I rather have it this way than lose everything that makes me happy.

I know that patience coupled with faith and strengthen by love will get me to the place where I want to be - in his arms, forever.

Fun Day

I had a blast today, it's not something someone will say if she only had 2 hours and 30 minutes of sleep. True, this day has been tiring but it was so much fun. Mama and I went out early in the morning (not exactly as plan) to buy some stuff for the house and by lunchtime, I'm broke (love it-you got to stay positive even if you are broke). I don't really mind being broke, our living room looks better now and so does the room of my parents. Yay! It's becoming the house I want them to have. I will still be broke in the next coming months but I don't care. A lot of parents envy my parents and wishing that they have me as their daughter (allow me to brag a little) so that I can buy them a house too (right Sed? - Tell your mom if I win the lottery I will buy her one, haha).

I went home at around 12.30 in the afternoon, crash in my bed and out in dreamland. By 3 in the afternoon, my alarm clock goes off and I drag myself in the bathroom to get ready for my afternoon ordeal. Ghia and Janrae were supposed to wake me up but instead, I ended up waking up Ghia (great!). By 4.30 I was lying in one of the cubicles of Lay Bare (that's a salon by the way) and was getting ready for a little pain (no pain, no gain ladies- remember that always). By 5.30 we were enjoying a feast of rice toppings and dumplings and beer and iced tea (what a combination). I was very full but then it did not stop me from getting a cold iced beer (which taste so good by the way). Truth be told, it was nice to have some poison in my body (alcohol is a poison in a way, hehe). We went home at around 7.30 and when I arrived home, changed clothes and off to work.

Javin says that he sees very little of me (I'm sorry Dedem, I'm just being a good daughter to you and to mom) which is quite true. For sometime now, I had stop going out, I just got bored of it or should I say some of my priorities changed.

It was not a Friday or a Saturday night but it did not stop me, Ghia and Janrae to have fun. Cheers G-Girls! I promised to go out with you soon again.

Trivial if not Insignificant

Last Saturday, I got a good whack in the head, thanks to her. I was needing some 'fixing' and 'processing' so I started bothering her. I got the strongest urge to correct one emotion that keeps recurring for no valid reason. To quote her, "This ill feeling can be brought about by something said, done or undone and if it does not fall in this three criteria, what your feeling is trivial if not insignificant". Ouch. Now that's what you call tough love. But she drive a point right there and I can't thank her enough.

A good number of my friends go to me when they are in trouble. I don't complain about it, I love to be of help to them but sometimes I just hope that they come one at a time. But that really is beside the point, what I really wanted to say is that, what happens if it's me "Jane" who gets into trouble and needs some fixing, who do I run to? The answer is HER.

Of course, I talk to my other friends, but if things go way out of my hands or when I need someone to 'process' me, I go to her especially if I'm looking for some rational and logical explanation. She can look through me, read my mind as if I'm talking out loud. She can even say if I'm lying right in front of her face (though that's really easy, I'm very transparent, what you see if what you get). And to top it all, her eyes are the only eyes I'm scared to look at, she has mastered this piercing mocking look and it is as if her eyes says, "yeah right Jane, make yourself believe or yes Jane, lie in my face". I don't have to elaborate on the things you told me rather I would just like to say thank you.

PS: I would love to come over in your apartment and fix your bedsheets (of all things you can ask in return, fixing your bed sheet??? LOL). And I know already a long time ago that I am good with bedsheets, hehe. But it's too bad I can't fix your bed for you =(

Love Letter

Sweetie,

I Love You - these 3 simple words...

I never know it's meaning until I found you. I cared deeply but love has been elusive with me. There was even a point that I fell in love with the thought of being in love. It was you who teach me what loving really means.

Every time I say those words it gives me an overwhelming feeling I cannot name. I never know how I got to this point and I'm amazed of how far we've come, I never thought someone will be that patient with me.

Words cannot capture the things I really want to say and feel towards you but I'm just really really grateful for having you in my life. Time and again I kept telling to myself, I'm way more than lucky, I'm blessed to have you. I love you with all my heart.

Your mushy girl

Sentimentality Vs. Love

We often confused the two but there's a difference between them. Being sentimental holds you back from the things you want while love encourages you to move forward and be better.

When we cling to old memories and it holds you back to do better things, that's being sentimental - that's not love. There's nothing wrong with being sentimental don't get me wrong, but just like anything else if it is in excess, you are depriving yourself already. You can love something even from afar. Love as powerful as it is makes you want to be better in more ways than one.

Thinking Out Loud

I can walk away if I want to but I won't do that. I can throw it all away but I won't do that. For the first time in my life, I wanted something so badly that I will do anything for it work. I know that I will never feel or have this again with somebody else so I'm giving it my best shot.

Nursery Rhyme from Yummy

Janey Janey, who waits daily.
She's happy and bubbly,
Do come when it's still early.
For when Janey gets tired clearly,
Then you'll know our little Janey's deadly.

You Speak Of It.....

you speak of it when you're little,
and teach it when you're old
you believe it with your eyes,
but feel it with your inner heart's Soul
it's given freely
to someone worthy

Re: Biatch Mode

Perhaps, I've been hasty in writing my last blog and I have not been that specific as to why I'm writing it and to whom. Reading it a couple of times today, I realize that I have been in a way insensitive. If there's one thing that I hate making you feel that is - insecurity. There are times that I can't help but it's never intentional. I'm so sorry. I love you!

Biatch Mode

We go through life searching for that one thing - we all want to love and be love in return. But searching for that one person is awfully hard, needless to say painful oftentimes. Every time you took a risk with someone, you also open yourself to countless possibilities of getting hurt. Crap right? I know, I know. That's why some women try as much as possible to be rational about it, delaying the inevitable as much as they can.

But isn't it too much of a crap when you're finally taking a chance with someone yet that person is so coward to take the jump? Some guys just don't know a good thing when they have it. It's already served in front of them in silver platter yet they choose to ignore it. And there are some that are playing too safe - scared of the word "C" yet they want you always to be on their side, what's that - oh, I call that "safety net", "security blanket".

I'm not sweeping generalization nor am I saying that this is only the fault of the male species but what I'm saying is that, we - the female species are the ones that should be "fickle minded" or indecisive so if a man throw a fit such a this, oh boy (with eyes rolling) something must be definitely wrong.

So to all my ladies out there, let me give you my take on the matter. If you're interested with someone who is just in it for the "meantime", I suggest, pack up and leave. You deserve better and there's no use lingering around with someone who ain't got a ball. You are not a meantime girl, therefore, do yourself a favor. You are not either his f*cking buddy so please...turn your back and don't look back - EVER!

Life is too short, as for me, I don't have the time to wait till he grows up. I'm not willing to wait for someone whose making me last in his priority list. I don't want to linger around and steadfastly pray for some miracle till he has a changed of heart. Ain't that pathetic? I'm willing to make sacrifices only to some extent. Whatever it takes it's not in my vocabulary. Perhaps, what I'll do is leave for the time being and once he's ready (once he made up his mind that it's me that he wants, perhaps, just perhaps, i might - cause seriously, this kind of guys deserve no second chance).

Lastly, to all piece of sh*t guys in this world - I'd say - Shut the f*ck up you *ss and stay out of my way.

My Playlist

So what if IT blocked me from Youtube? Perhaps it was best that they did that, I guess I will be more productive... which by the way I highly doubt. Getting my cute butt to work is more of a personal thing and I don't think blocking me has any relevance to that at all. I rest my case already, I guess I'm running out luck and charm cause they won't budge.

This has been a slow day for me, the hours seems to be longer than usual so I resort to ---music and blog hopping. Well, I'm sharing to you one my playlist in Deezer. I have no preference when it comes to music, I listen to all sorts of genre. For as long as it does not include yelling/shouting/screaming which by the way is not music but noise, I can take it.

• Leaving on a Jet Plane by Attila Fias (This is one of the soundtrack of the movie Armageddon)
• I Try by Macy Gray (This has to be her best song, a major hit of her)
  
• Officially Missing You by Tamia (Brings out my sappy side)
• No Woman, No Cry by Bob Marley (Yes, I do appreciate reggae music)
  
• Torn by Natalie Imbruglia (Brings back high school memories for some reason)
• Dance with my Father (This is such a sweet song, simply love it)
  
• Angel of Mine by Eternal (Now I know why they say the best things are free- one of my fave line in this song )
• Jenny from the Block by Jennifer Lopez (This is the only song of her that I liked, there's something in the beat that makes me want to dance, hehe)
  
• Stickwitu by PCD (This song goes out to one person, funny memory)
  
• Accidentally in Love by Counting Crows (Shrek the Movie, this song makes me smile)
  
• Karma by Alicia Keys (What goes around, comes around... she's really great on the keyboard)
• Insensitive by Jann Arden (My ringtone also for quite sometime now, hehe)
• Irreplaceble by Beyonce (Got nothing to say, it's just in my list)
  
• Baby I Love Your Way by Big Mountain (Sweetie, listen to this version, this song is for you)
  
• Teenager by My Chemical Romance (Audrey, can you sing this for me? You are better than MCR)
• I Need You by Leann Rimes (One of my favorite love song)
  
• The Scientist by Coldplay (What a sad song but it gets into me everytime I listen to it)
• I Could Not Ask For More by Edwin McCain (If a guy sing this song to me, I'll melt and faint, lol)

I'll stop there, I have to fix my stuff and go home. Hopefully next time, I will have a more sensible subject than writing about my playlist, hehe.

From Your Little Girl No More

I know that you are worried about me but let me assure you I'm okay... I will be okay no matter what happened.

I know that you have apprehensions, I can't take that way from you but I will be okay.

I know that you are highly doubtful but for always, I'm asking you to trust my decisions just like you have trusted my previous ones, if this fails, I will be okay.

I know that I'm asking too much from you, the last thing you want is to see me get hurt but if it's meant to be that way, so be it, again, I will be okay.

Rest assured that I know my limitations, I know my boundaries, I know where I stand in all of this.

Rest assured that I still have the courage to let it go when the need arise.

I know your fears, I can see it in your eyes, I can feel it in your actions but believe me when I say, I will be okay.

At the end of the day, I know you have my back. I know you will be there no matter what, so I will be okay.

Happy Birthday Sed

Sweet 16, every girl is looking forward for that age. 18 - debut, you are officially a lady so to speak, you are allowed to drive, to vote, to go to clubs and get drunk - in short, minor no more. 22 - Nothing's spectacular about that age except, you are getting old.

Here are some of our fave songs (don't cry okay - peace):

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

---------------------------------------------------

I can live, I can love
I can reach the heavens above
I can right what is wrong
I can sing just any song
I can dance, I can fly
And touch the rainbow in the sky
I can be your good friend
I can love you until the end

You know that you'll always have me, no matter what. Happy Birthday Baby Dams!

The Best Ang Tatay Ko

Daddy, Dada, Papa, Tatay - call them whatever you want but without them, you and I will not exist in this world.

Sunday morning - Father's day he step into our room and give me and my sleeping sister a kiss on our forehead...yes, that's how sweet our father is. I can't find a word to describe how grateful I am to him for everything he has done to me and my sister. In my 22 years of existence, he has almost almost been everything to me. He has been my....

• Alarm clock - he makes it a point that I get to class on time. During my primary years, he would prepare my bath, wakes me up and prepare my clothes.
• Nanny - he makes it a point that I get all my stuff ready - assignments, lunchbox, snacks, water, name it.
  
• Driver - up to this point, our safety is a major concern. Back then, we used to commute he makes it a point that I get to school safely and picks me up after class. Now that I'm older, he still does the same thing. Night out? - one call away, he will be there to pick me up.
• My number 1 fan/supporter - he encourages me to explore greater heights, he never stopped me from anything that I wanted. He never question my decision and he has complete faith in me. I've never known a father who can trust so much to her daughter, but yes, Papa has complete trust in me and although it still puzzles me, I'm grateful that he is.
  
• Best friend - I was always closed with him. My mom is the so-called disciplinarian so every time I do something silly as a kid, I run to him for refuge. Boy trouble, believe it or not, it's him that I run too.
  
• Mentor/teacher - When confused, it's him that I go too. Life has been so much easier because of his guidance. I never strayed away because he was always there to guide my path.
  

I am the person I am today because of his great work and guidance. Papa, you are the best father that I can ask for. For always, me and Lean will try to make you proud.

I've come to realize...

Malou, thanks for sharing this with me. It's my turn to complete the statements =)

1. I've come to realize that my boobs... just have the right size for a petite girl like me.

2. I've come to realize that my job... is something that I have been doing for two years now; not exactly the most exciting job on earth but pays well that I'm able to pay the bills.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...my father is scared cause I have the tendency to drive fast (he doesn't want to teach now so I'm forced to take driving lessons - grrr).

4. I've come to realize that I need...to give time to myself; pamper myself a little (as Louie would have it, "Janey, you're being selfish with yourself").

5. I've come to realize that I've lost...nothing.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...people that are supposed to take lead do nothing; in short, no backbone to stand up for people who need them.

7. I've come to realize that the person I like...are those people who can carry sensible conversation and who knows exactly what they want out of life.

8. I've come to realize that money...if used wisely can change a lot of lives.

9. I've come to realize that people...seek for what they don't have rather than appreciating what they already have.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...selfless daughter, friend and lover.

(I've come to realize that question number 11 is missing)

12. I've come to realize that my mom...though not perfect is one of the best in this world. No questions asked about that.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone...has been with me for 4 years now and that I bought it with my own savings, damn, it's high time I get a new one.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...(evening for my case) that my sister has been playing the role of a big sis (talk about role reversal); making sure I have all my stuff ready and waking me up in time for dinner =).

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...(last morning before I slept) that I'm so blessed having the kind of family that I have; the events of the morning makes me appreciate them all the more.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...I'd rather keep that one to myself -sorry folks.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...will always be the greatest mentor of my life.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I only accept friend request, check notifications, read the status of others online, log out and back to work mode.

19. I've come to realize that today...will be a beautiful day! My day is just starting really.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...will be a slow night; coaching night for me.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow will be...a fresh start- another day to correct the previous day's mistake and do better.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to...take a vacation with Anton.

(I've come to realize that Q23 is missing again - deliberately erased by Malou, I don't know).

24. I've come to realize that life...life is not always fair but it is still good and it has been good to me so far.

25. I've come to realize that this weekend...I'm torn between visiting Mel and her baby, or travelling south to see Sedneth or meet up with Yum or just stay home.

26. I've come to realize that my ex(es)...is someone I really cared a lot about but not love.

27. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset...is Bubbly by Colbie Cailat, I'm Yours by James Mraz and Home by Michael Bubble.

28. I've come to realize that my friends...will always be there for me no matter what and that they're bunch of very good people.

29. I've come to realize that the past year (2008)...has been a fruitful year for me.

30. I've come to realize that the last person i kissed...is so dear to me; she's always gonna be dear to me (my sister).

31. I've come to realize that when people walk out of my life...its either because they want to do so or I forced them to.

Happy Birthday Sweetie

Balloons, cakes and candles - I wish I'm with you to celebrate your birthday. How old are you again? Kidding Sweetie.

I love you with all my heart and there's no day that I'm not thankful for having you in my life. Wishing you good health, a happy life and may you get all your heart's wishes. Mwah!

Come Back To Me

Before one of my reader complains again about my blog is looking impoverish, I will write something. So yes, I'm trying to make up for last week since I wasn't able to write a single entry at all.

My sister can't stop singing about it over the weekend so there, LSS - last song syndrome. The song I'm referring to is that of David Cook entitled Come Back To Me (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjMrxqo43RI).

I have pick some few lines that I personally liked and I find striking at the same time.

*** You say that you're becoming someone else
I dread the day that someone will say to me that he has to go because he don't like what he see when he look in the mirror and that he's becoming someone else...someone else in a bad way.

When we love someone, we want to pamper them with all the love that we have yet we fail to realize that we're already suffocating that person. Ahhh, suffocating love. It can be overwhelming at first and can be good initially but eventually it will caught up on you and before you know it, the relationship is becoming unhealthy. Dependency is parasitism not love and when our partner says he/she is becoming someone else he/she don't like in that matter, warning sign. Take a step back, perhaps even two.

***So i'll let you go, I'll set you free
We always do a little growing up everytime we do a little letting go. I've done my share of letting go and everytime I did, I'm discovering something new with myself. Letting go doesn't necessarily mean we are giving up, it can be giving the people involved time for themselves. The act sometimes also means we are saving ourselves, if its heading down the drain, pack up and leave. No use lingering around. I turn my back exactly a year and month ago with someone I really cared about and I didn't regret such because I found an amazing guy in return. Sometimes, we just have to let go because we deserve better; the time I realize that, I turn my back and glad that I never look back.

***I can't get close if your not there, I can't get inside if theres no soul to bear, I can't fix you i can't save you
This would be torture, having someone with you yet you know they are not really there with you and all there is left to do is to let go. Painful definitely but you do have any choice left?

***And when you see what you need to see, When you find you come back to me
Just beautiful line - it's selfless yet it is optimistic.

Weekend Nightmare

Not only did I miss going out last weekend (something that I badly wanted to do) but I also had fever and unimaginable pain caused by my wisdom tooth.

It started out Wednesday and I thought that I just need to have my regular 6th month dental cleaning thing. But Thursday, I started to notice that my teeth have been extremely sensitive and it was hard to eat already. Friday was my scheduled leave and I was starting to be feverish. As the hour passes, feverish turns to fever and my second molar started to hurt so badly I was crying in pain. My parents started to panic and drove to the 24 hour drugstore they can find to buy me some pain reliever. I'm not a fan of medicine and I think the feeling is mutual, they are not also fond of me. The first medicine that I took has no effect or whatsoever at all. Come Saturday morning, my mother got me another medicine and still to no avail and boy, it was one of my longest night to date.

Sunday morning, I tried another pain reliever and luckily it was effective. I was able to sleep soundly the entire night but my fever won't go away. Today, I went to my dentist again and ask for another prescription since last Saturday he was out of clinic due to some engagement (ain't I'm lucky?). He also did an X-ray on my teeth and turns out my second molar was the not the problem, it was perfectly fine rather it was my wisdom tooth that is pushing my last two molars and causing the tension and the pain. He referred me to another dentist who specializes on such cases but that person is still Manila so I still have to wait. He says that the pain is just occasional but to totally eradicate such concern it might be best to have my wisdom tooth removed.

The pain is gone now but I have to psyche myself before I schedule myself of having my wisdom tooth extracted (yikes, scary). I just have to get some rest so that my fever will completely go away.

I really don't mind having my wisdom tooth extracted, so far it's been nothing but a pain, it's not really giving me any piece of wisdom or whatsoever. Why do we call it wisdom tooth anyway when we can simply call it as molar? Hmmm, I'll ask my dentist some other time.

Break Time

I need a break. If given the chance how I wish I can took off and be somewhere for quite sometime. I just feel so tired and extremely demotivated to go to work. I told myself that I should stop whining and complaining over it since it really makes no difference, I'm just wasting my energy.

These days I'm like a robot. Sure, I get things done at the end of the day, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do but it's a pain. There are times that I just stare in my computer for minutes or at times I'm typing something and totally lose my trail of thought. Sigh. I need some soul searching I guess. Rethink where I want to be in terms of my career.

I'm calling a time out. Sigh.

Little Things (Gushing on love)

He is half way around the world yet he sure knows how to rock and color my world...

I love it when I'm bitching around and he lets me be

I love it when I'm ranting and he listens to me
I love it when I'm mushy and he gets mushy too (even mushier at times)
I love it when I flirt with him and he either says "hehe" or "haha"
I love it when I'm in doubt and he knows just the right kind of song for me
I love it when I get a surprised text or call from him (he sure knows how to make my day)
I love it when I get tongued tied just hearing him say, "Sweetie, how are you?"
I love it how he can make me cry over silly little stuff
I love how he comforts me when I have a long day
I love how he cheers me up by simply saying he loves me
I love it when I ask him something and he answer my question with another question
I love it when I turned "duh" and he goes and explain everything to me
I love it when I talk non-sense and he somehow makes sense of it
I love it when I'm feeling immature and childish and he is so patient with me
I love how I melt every time he says he loves me madly
I love asking his opinion over something and he ends up getting it his way
I love how he can make me laugh non stop
I love all the little things that he does to me

Now, here is what I want to do...

I would love to cook dinner for you every night (although I'm not a good cook)
I would love to give you a huge hug after a long and stressful day at work
I would love to make your breakfast just before you go to work
I would love to kiss you when you feel that you are a mess
I would love that you pick me up after work and talk while you drive
I would love to help you do the lawn work
I would love to cheer you up in every way that I can
The list can go on and on and on
Bottom line -
I want to pamper you

I know I can be a silly, immature, childish, little brat and thanks for putting up with me. What did I do to deserve you? I love you Sweetie!

Our Love by Bruce B. Wilmer

Our love is something we have built
From passions, hopes and dreams.
It's safe from any passing moods,
Secure from all extremes.
It's something real and special,
Something solid, something pure.
It's something we can always count on,
ringing sound and sure.
It's something grounded in the heart,
Emitting confidence.
It lives in our emotions;
It is something we can sense.
Our love remains a binding force,
Resistant to all strife.
Amidst the outer pressures,
it's our anchor throughout life.

Now

This is a beautiful love song that talks about the "NOW" without fear of tomorrow. It's a bold song yet this is exactly the kind of song that I should listen to.

Yes, I'm creating my own monsters. I'm creating my own fear. I guess if not so afraid of my own feelings I wouldn't be feeling this way. Oh well, I'm learning. This is certainly new to me and I hope there is some dummy book that I can read for me to deal with my own feelings better. This is such a beautiful feeling and why am I so freaking scared to embraced it? =(

Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don’t know
If there will be tomorrow for us.

Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you’re the contents of my heart.

Now you’re all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don’t know
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

There’s a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don’t know if this is forever.

There’s a reason
Why we are together now
And we don’t care if it’s not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I’m not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It’s everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

Could It Be My Hormones?

Studies show that women tends to be emotional days before their monthly period, usually 10 days before the said time. Needless to say that I blaming whatever I'm feeling right now to hormonal change but could it really be just my hormones talking?

I don't know how it came about but I woke up with a very heavy heart. This is one of those days when I feel insecure and I'm not getting the assurance that I need to get rid of this irrational thoughts away and straighten up my illogical and non-sense thinking. It would be unfair to expect my boyfriend to read through my mind cause I know he can't especially when all he can do is read my responses and bear with the awkward silences. I also don't want to start talking cause I might say something really really stupid hence, the best solution is to keep my mouth shut.

Going back to the point in case, why then do I feel insecure then? I've learn my lesson before, promulgation of eternal promises will not do any relationship good...you'll just end up frustrated, disappointed, caged, obliged to stay in a relationship that is doomed to fail and tons and tons of heartache. But ironically, these are the kind of promises (let's keep it to a minimum; let's not exaggerate it) that keeps you to hang in there when you feel extremely low. Fight or flight. In my case, flight. Saves me a lot of trouble and heartache. You can say that I'm being a coward, yes, in a way I am but I don't call it cowardliness, I call it self preservation. For once, I can say that I have lower down my guard, let my feelings really show and it's scaring the hell out of me. It's that illusion that I can control everything when truth of the matter is, I can't control everything. Ahhh. I hate it when I start over thinking things, I'm making my own life complicated (just great).

Come what may =).

Deleted

Never mind the save files, the bookmark links, the save picture and conversation.
Never mind all the excitement and the planning.
Never mind the written blogs (friends delete them - you are doing me a huge favor if you do that)
Never mind everything.
I don't want to discuss about it, talk about it, even think about it.

What If

One beautiful love song got me thinking... (http://videokeman.com/aiza-seguerra/ill-be-there-for-you-aiza-seguera/)

What if you are unsure and I wanted this so badly?
What if I'm ready to put all things aside and you aren't?
What if I made my mind and you haven't?
What if the I'm making a big mistake here?
What if we are not in the same boat here?
What if you don't want it the way I want it?
What if one day, I woke up and decided to walk away?
What will you do?
What if our love fades out?
What if I will not be enough for you?
What if?

As mushy as it sounds, it's also as scary as hell. But what if? Life as amazing as it is, is full of unpredictable twists. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?

Another Milestone?

I don't know how it happen but Anton found his self confessing to me what he has been thinking over the weekend. I braced myself for what he has to say and he was able to say it. But it was kinda scary since he was saying a lot of "I don't know if I said it right or please bear with me I'm not crazy here" - the lines that made me all the more nervous. I'm happy that he was able to tell me as to which direction he wants this relationship to go...that's a start.

I'm out of words. I love you Sweetie!

No More Drama Stints

Last week was not one of my finest week, I broke down in the office and stirred up panic with my co-workers (talk about drama). It's not everyday they get to see me running in my station, awfully quiet and all of a sudden hear me sob like a baby. I guess that's what happened if you are tired, you have a lot in mind and your mother is not talking to you.

But come weekend I was feeling better. Mama started talking to me after almost a week of cold shoulder (persistence always work). Irene came home after a year of working in Manila so we did a little of catching up . The group met up for lunch and we had our little get together only Sedneth was lazy again to get up and go to Bacolod (hehe).

Today Monday, start of the week, I had a nice conversation with Anton. It's one of those casual conversation yet you realize something at the end. Pretty interesting actually. These are kind of conversation that keeps me grounded and focus. The kind of conversation that makes me look out for my emotions and do a reality check. I hate to be in my why mode because I feel that I'm simply over thinking some matters in my life but I think it's good when you are asking a lot of questions once in a while because it saves you a lot of trouble and a lot of heartaches. It sounds as if I don't make sense right? For now, I'll enjoy, promise not get emotional anymore and just have fun. No more drama stints. I'm done.

The Climb

I've been trying to divert my attention to all sorts of things lately. Thankfully I have good friends who can read between the lines and are giving me the diversion that I need. Jong is right, if I'm not tired I guess I would have dealt with this matters better but that is just not the case... I'm tired, I'm nearing my breaking point and I'm not okay. Oh I hate drama especially if I'm the one involved.

I've played this song countless of times lately and I simply love it (A song from an unlikely artist). It serves as a reminder for me of the bigger battles ahead and it kept me to remain very optimistic. It keeps me grounded that what I'm experiencing is nothing to what others are currently experiencing. That my struggles are totally nothing to what they have. That I have no right to complain at all. Sigh. I'm growing up indeed and growing up fast.

Here's some part of that song:

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa