Break Time

I need a break. If given the chance how I wish I can took off and be somewhere for quite sometime. I just feel so tired and extremely demotivated to go to work. I told myself that I should stop whining and complaining over it since it really makes no difference, I'm just wasting my energy.

These days I'm like a robot. Sure, I get things done at the end of the day, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do but it's a pain. There are times that I just stare in my computer for minutes or at times I'm typing something and totally lose my trail of thought. Sigh. I need some soul searching I guess. Rethink where I want to be in terms of my career.

I'm calling a time out. Sigh.

Little Things (Gushing on love)

He is half way around the world yet he sure knows how to rock and color my world...

I love it when I'm bitching around and he lets me be

I love it when I'm ranting and he listens to me
I love it when I'm mushy and he gets mushy too (even mushier at times)
I love it when I flirt with him and he either says "hehe" or "haha"
I love it when I'm in doubt and he knows just the right kind of song for me
I love it when I get a surprised text or call from him (he sure knows how to make my day)
I love it when I get tongued tied just hearing him say, "Sweetie, how are you?"
I love it how he can make me cry over silly little stuff
I love how he comforts me when I have a long day
I love how he cheers me up by simply saying he loves me
I love it when I ask him something and he answer my question with another question
I love it when I turned "duh" and he goes and explain everything to me
I love it when I talk non-sense and he somehow makes sense of it
I love it when I'm feeling immature and childish and he is so patient with me
I love how I melt every time he says he loves me madly
I love asking his opinion over something and he ends up getting it his way
I love how he can make me laugh non stop
I love all the little things that he does to me

Now, here is what I want to do...

I would love to cook dinner for you every night (although I'm not a good cook)
I would love to give you a huge hug after a long and stressful day at work
I would love to make your breakfast just before you go to work
I would love to kiss you when you feel that you are a mess
I would love that you pick me up after work and talk while you drive
I would love to help you do the lawn work
I would love to cheer you up in every way that I can
The list can go on and on and on
Bottom line -
I want to pamper you

I know I can be a silly, immature, childish, little brat and thanks for putting up with me. What did I do to deserve you? I love you Sweetie!

Our Love by Bruce B. Wilmer

Our love is something we have built
From passions, hopes and dreams.
It's safe from any passing moods,
Secure from all extremes.
It's something real and special,
Something solid, something pure.
It's something we can always count on,
ringing sound and sure.
It's something grounded in the heart,
Emitting confidence.
It lives in our emotions;
It is something we can sense.
Our love remains a binding force,
Resistant to all strife.
Amidst the outer pressures,
it's our anchor throughout life.

Now

This is a beautiful love song that talks about the "NOW" without fear of tomorrow. It's a bold song yet this is exactly the kind of song that I should listen to.

Yes, I'm creating my own monsters. I'm creating my own fear. I guess if not so afraid of my own feelings I wouldn't be feeling this way. Oh well, I'm learning. This is certainly new to me and I hope there is some dummy book that I can read for me to deal with my own feelings better. This is such a beautiful feeling and why am I so freaking scared to embraced it? =(

Now is all I know
Now is all I got
And I don’t know
If there will be tomorrow for us.

Now is all I care about
Now that you are here
Now that you’re the contents of my heart.

Now you’re all I know
Now is all I promise
And I don’t know
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I live for
Now that you are near
And it was best that from the start it was clear.

Loving is not owning
We can let it go
We can let it go.

Loving is not owning
You can let me go
You can let me go.

There’s a reason
Why we love each other now
And we don’t know if this is forever.

There’s a reason
Why we are together now
And we don’t care if it’s not forever now.

Now is all I think about
Now that I am happy
And I’m not sure
If there will be a future for us.

Now is all I offer
It’s everything I got
And I still wish
That there will be a tomorrow for us.

Could It Be My Hormones?

Studies show that women tends to be emotional days before their monthly period, usually 10 days before the said time. Needless to say that I blaming whatever I'm feeling right now to hormonal change but could it really be just my hormones talking?

I don't know how it came about but I woke up with a very heavy heart. This is one of those days when I feel insecure and I'm not getting the assurance that I need to get rid of this irrational thoughts away and straighten up my illogical and non-sense thinking. It would be unfair to expect my boyfriend to read through my mind cause I know he can't especially when all he can do is read my responses and bear with the awkward silences. I also don't want to start talking cause I might say something really really stupid hence, the best solution is to keep my mouth shut.

Going back to the point in case, why then do I feel insecure then? I've learn my lesson before, promulgation of eternal promises will not do any relationship good...you'll just end up frustrated, disappointed, caged, obliged to stay in a relationship that is doomed to fail and tons and tons of heartache. But ironically, these are the kind of promises (let's keep it to a minimum; let's not exaggerate it) that keeps you to hang in there when you feel extremely low. Fight or flight. In my case, flight. Saves me a lot of trouble and heartache. You can say that I'm being a coward, yes, in a way I am but I don't call it cowardliness, I call it self preservation. For once, I can say that I have lower down my guard, let my feelings really show and it's scaring the hell out of me. It's that illusion that I can control everything when truth of the matter is, I can't control everything. Ahhh. I hate it when I start over thinking things, I'm making my own life complicated (just great).

Come what may =).

Deleted

Never mind the save files, the bookmark links, the save picture and conversation.
Never mind all the excitement and the planning.
Never mind the written blogs (friends delete them - you are doing me a huge favor if you do that)
Never mind everything.
I don't want to discuss about it, talk about it, even think about it.

What If

One beautiful love song got me thinking... (http://videokeman.com/aiza-seguerra/ill-be-there-for-you-aiza-seguera/)

What if you are unsure and I wanted this so badly?
What if I'm ready to put all things aside and you aren't?
What if I made my mind and you haven't?
What if the I'm making a big mistake here?
What if we are not in the same boat here?
What if you don't want it the way I want it?
What if one day, I woke up and decided to walk away?
What will you do?
What if our love fades out?
What if I will not be enough for you?
What if?

As mushy as it sounds, it's also as scary as hell. But what if? Life as amazing as it is, is full of unpredictable twists. Who knows what will happen tomorrow?

Another Milestone?

I don't know how it happen but Anton found his self confessing to me what he has been thinking over the weekend. I braced myself for what he has to say and he was able to say it. But it was kinda scary since he was saying a lot of "I don't know if I said it right or please bear with me I'm not crazy here" - the lines that made me all the more nervous. I'm happy that he was able to tell me as to which direction he wants this relationship to go...that's a start.

I'm out of words. I love you Sweetie!

No More Drama Stints

Last week was not one of my finest week, I broke down in the office and stirred up panic with my co-workers (talk about drama). It's not everyday they get to see me running in my station, awfully quiet and all of a sudden hear me sob like a baby. I guess that's what happened if you are tired, you have a lot in mind and your mother is not talking to you.

But come weekend I was feeling better. Mama started talking to me after almost a week of cold shoulder (persistence always work). Irene came home after a year of working in Manila so we did a little of catching up . The group met up for lunch and we had our little get together only Sedneth was lazy again to get up and go to Bacolod (hehe).

Today Monday, start of the week, I had a nice conversation with Anton. It's one of those casual conversation yet you realize something at the end. Pretty interesting actually. These are kind of conversation that keeps me grounded and focus. The kind of conversation that makes me look out for my emotions and do a reality check. I hate to be in my why mode because I feel that I'm simply over thinking some matters in my life but I think it's good when you are asking a lot of questions once in a while because it saves you a lot of trouble and a lot of heartaches. It sounds as if I don't make sense right? For now, I'll enjoy, promise not get emotional anymore and just have fun. No more drama stints. I'm done.