Weekend Blues

Even if I have not read the book that was highly recommended by Anton (Why Zebra Don't Get Ulcer), I think I am understanding the whole idea of it already by experience. According to Anton, it explains how we have little control of what we feel sometimes.

True enough, I think there are emotions that we simply can't control no matter how rational, logical or mature you are. My experience is a good example; I'm getting sick of a certain relationship. As much as I know why she acts in a certain way (don't want to elaborate further) I can't help but resent the idea that he is so concern of her. He has this big heart towards her - he cares for her, comfort her, lift her up when her spirit is low, gives her attention and love her, but somehow she still manage to ignore him. WTF!

He worries about her too much and without me noticing it, I was resenting it and at the same time, denying and pushing aside what I really felt. Slowly it takes it toll on me and the mere mention of her name can make me lose my appetite. And for a moment I entertain the thought of being a damsel in distress so that I will get people around me to worry also (simply ridiculous).

So what do you do when you feel like bursting? You understand both sides but somehow can't help it. Rule #1 in Counseling: Own your feelings. By owning what I feel, I need not only admit it to myself that I was jealous but I also need to admit it to someone else to get it off my chest. This is where best friends comes in handy (hehe). Talk to Sedneth was what I did (although I would have come over to her place if not for the rain). She knocks home very valid points. One, I need to tell Anton what I felt (I know I have to, he is clueless and he doesn't need a cold shoulder from me because in the first place, he doesn't know what's wrong). I can't expect someone to read my mind especially we have the Pacific ocean between us. Communication. I need to communicate to Anton no matter how petty and small the matter is.

I think Sed was worried for a moment since I was entertaining irrational thoughts, very irrational ones (I was willing to give it all up since she is always in the picture, I started asking if this is all worth it, if all the heartaches and troubles worth it, argggghhhh, there goes my immaturity and my selfishness). Love is a gamble, a constant work and if I want to make this work I had to do my share. I'm such a coward, I was already contemplating of backing out, thinking I'll be better of that way without any consideration of some sort with the person involve (If I have the 4 girls in front of me - they would have drown me alive already).

After talking to Sed, I slept, followed what she instructed me to do. Eat my early dinner, went to church, watch a Filipino love story movie (My Big Love), a comedy show (Banana Split), a movie entitled "The Condemned" and two documentary shows from BBC (80 Treasures and Daylight Robbery). By the time I finished all this, it was already early morning but since I'm not sleepy yet - I ended up reading and finishing two books.

Even after doing all this, I still have a heavy heart. But I felt someone splash a cold ice on me when I realize that I had a text message from Anton, saying that he missed me and he loves me. My phone was in complete neglect and in silent mode all day after I talked to Sed that I did not noticed his message. When I was reading it this morning, I turned to face my mom and asked, what was I thinking? She smiled and give a look and said - you better reply to him.

I ended up telling Anton everything, after all, he deserves to know. And to those, immature brats like me, don't do what I just did. It pays off to tell your worries (after all they might be pointless and baseless) but no matter how petty it is, communicate. Sometimes you just have to speak your mind. You may not have a good reason for your actions now (you might just be in denial) but for sure, getting it off and talking about it is a much better option than entertaining irrational thoughts.