I know you are not going to read this soon but I don't want to let this day pass without me answering some of your doubts about our friendship. And it's okay if you are not yet ready to read this, but when you are in doubt - you know where to look for answers. It is here.
I don't want to speak in behalf of the other girls, they have their reasons as well - I'll just discuss my thoughts and view on the matter. You can even say that this is an attempt to justify and rationalize my actions and maybe even late for a thorough explanation but for whatever purpose it may serve, I want to get this off my chest. But as always, you will get a no holds barred response from me, you don't need some bulls*** (and I was never really good at them). I don't know where to start so I'll just lift some words you highlighted and start from there.
*** I am very much disappointed with them
I understand if you are disappointed with me. I've been making decisions what have stirred various reactions from the people around me - and obviously, you are one of them. But I just hope you will give me that unconditional support and understanding, just like how I have understood your decisions and have supported and love you through it all. I'm telling you, I won't make a habit out of it but life is not getting easy, the stakes are higher and I know I have to stumble once in a while and I hope you'll be there to make me smile when that happens.
*** I hate to admit that I cannot simply accept their weaknesses because I have always looked up to them
One of my greatest fear in life is failing and disappointing the people that I love, you being one of them. I have not failed miserably in my life and no one failed me so terribly either but I have set the bar high enough for me to dread falling short. But yes, I'm not perfect. I do have my fair share of weaknesses that although you hardly see them, they are there. I'm just good in dealing with them on my own that it seems to you everything in me are all good and perfect. They aren't. I don't want to walk ahead of you, I want you to walk with me, side by side. That way you will not look up on me anymore and maybe you will learn to accept that Jane - though seem perfect and has all the things going right in her life - is very much imperfect and weak.
*** I wonder if my girls still exist
Yes, we still do exist. I still exist. We may not be sharing endless hours together but I'm just around. At times, I also wonder what's going on with the other girls since they are not here but I find solace in the fact that, I know sometime in their busy days and in their sleepless nights, they also wish that we are all together. True, we have gone on our separate ways since we have set different goals for ourselves and as much as I want to remain in the comforts of school and have you around, I just know that we can't stay that way forever. But I'm assuring you, I'm definitely here. And oh, we did not share a shallow friendship and it pains me if you are going to think that way again. I have open my heart and soul with you girls, if you think that I was faking it, through all those years then go ahead - tell it to my face that we have is shallow.
I have always took pride in our friendship and many have envied it. It's funny how my high school friends and even yours, including our teachers would look for either one of the girls if they see us not complete. Yes, we were inseparable back then. Partners in crime. Sisters. I hope you will always remember that, you are not just a friend, you are one my bestfriend whom I consider and treat like a sister. Love you for always no matter where the path of life leads and takes me.
I don't want to speak in behalf of the other girls, they have their reasons as well - I'll just discuss my thoughts and view on the matter. You can even say that this is an attempt to justify and rationalize my actions and maybe even late for a thorough explanation but for whatever purpose it may serve, I want to get this off my chest. But as always, you will get a no holds barred response from me, you don't need some bulls*** (and I was never really good at them). I don't know where to start so I'll just lift some words you highlighted and start from there.
*** I am very much disappointed with them
I understand if you are disappointed with me. I've been making decisions what have stirred various reactions from the people around me - and obviously, you are one of them. But I just hope you will give me that unconditional support and understanding, just like how I have understood your decisions and have supported and love you through it all. I'm telling you, I won't make a habit out of it but life is not getting easy, the stakes are higher and I know I have to stumble once in a while and I hope you'll be there to make me smile when that happens.
*** I hate to admit that I cannot simply accept their weaknesses because I have always looked up to them
One of my greatest fear in life is failing and disappointing the people that I love, you being one of them. I have not failed miserably in my life and no one failed me so terribly either but I have set the bar high enough for me to dread falling short. But yes, I'm not perfect. I do have my fair share of weaknesses that although you hardly see them, they are there. I'm just good in dealing with them on my own that it seems to you everything in me are all good and perfect. They aren't. I don't want to walk ahead of you, I want you to walk with me, side by side. That way you will not look up on me anymore and maybe you will learn to accept that Jane - though seem perfect and has all the things going right in her life - is very much imperfect and weak.
*** I wonder if my girls still exist
Yes, we still do exist. I still exist. We may not be sharing endless hours together but I'm just around. At times, I also wonder what's going on with the other girls since they are not here but I find solace in the fact that, I know sometime in their busy days and in their sleepless nights, they also wish that we are all together. True, we have gone on our separate ways since we have set different goals for ourselves and as much as I want to remain in the comforts of school and have you around, I just know that we can't stay that way forever. But I'm assuring you, I'm definitely here. And oh, we did not share a shallow friendship and it pains me if you are going to think that way again. I have open my heart and soul with you girls, if you think that I was faking it, through all those years then go ahead - tell it to my face that we have is shallow.
I have always took pride in our friendship and many have envied it. It's funny how my high school friends and even yours, including our teachers would look for either one of the girls if they see us not complete. Yes, we were inseparable back then. Partners in crime. Sisters. I hope you will always remember that, you are not just a friend, you are one my bestfriend whom I consider and treat like a sister. Love you for always no matter where the path of life leads and takes me.
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